Apart from being a fun element of every successful marriage, sex is also a necessity, because it has the superpower to promote intimacy… (more…)
There are those who believe that anything that is battery-powered does not belong in a married couple’s bedroom. Then there are those who say that sex toys have saved their marriages. Among Christians, there is a fierce debate about whether the use of sex toys are okay or not. Marriage Capsule decided to investigate…
A lot has changed since the days when women’s “hysteria” was “cured” using a steam-powered contraption, which turned out to be the predecessor of the first electro-mechanical vibrators that saw the light in 1884!
Today, sex toys come in every color, shape and size. From jagged little black numbers with studs, which would freak out any conservative Christian woman, to the innocent duckling, butterfly or rabbit.
Over the past few years, people’s attitudes towards sex toys have also become very relaxed, to the point where it is now almost normal to discuss these around the dinner table. However, this doesn’t mean that the controversy surrounding the subject has completely disappeared.
NO! Sex toys are still taboo
Do sex toys break the unity between husband and wife? Will they eventually become a substitute for your sex partner? For many Christians, sex toys are completely off-limits and not something that can reconcile with their faith.
Well-known speaker, Gretha Wiid, wrote a few years ago on her personal Facebook page that she believes the greatest gift that God gives people in terms of sex is not a wonderful orgasm, but the gift of intimacy. She made it clear that she was not a supporter of vibrators and also referred to her husband, Francois’ DVD called Sex that Destroys.
Gretha is convinced that one can bring lust into your marriage and that even though certain things might be acceptable to both partners, they should not necessarily become permissible. She believes that nothing should take a husband’s or wife’s place. One must also guard against the desires of the flesh and rather obtain divine intimacy in your marriage, she believes.
“Unnatural assistance does not belong in a Christian marriage”
Dr Stella Potgieter is a pastoral counselor who conducts research into sexually deviant behaviour. She also lectures to graduates in order to equip churches to help people. Stella says: “Sex toys are aids used for sexual stimulation to promote intimacy. Intimacy, on the other hand, is a process through which two people, who love each other, freely share their feelings, thoughts, and actions. Through sex, we seek intimacy. Someone to belong to. As is often said: ‘God equips us with all the right tools’ and we do not need ‘help’ of an unnatural nature,” Stella explains.
“Among others, God has given us sex to enable us to become one. What happens between two people when they have sex is a deep mystery and a meeting of two souls. While the human body is temporal and spatial in its physicality, it must be seen and treated as a bodily space for the care of intimacy and bonding, for the body accommodates the soul.
“When penetration occurs, an encounter takes place, yes, an encounter with the other, but also an encounter with the OTHER. The deeply mystical sexual union takes place in God’s presence. This is when husband and wife become one. When sex toys are used, this meeting does not take place.”
“Sex toys can become addictive”
The use of sex toys can, according to Stella, also lead to people losing their passion for sex and/or looking for more and more stimulation in unnatural ways. “Sex was given to man by God to enjoy (Proverbs 5:18). Because the sexual intercourse between two people is the deep mystery of the encounter between two souls, sex toys weaken the power of this encounter. “
She adds: “The trend in society is that there is increasing freedom with regards to sexual practices, orientation, habits and desires. Pornography as a sex toy is also used by some as a stimulant. In such cases, the result is dullness and boredom, which in turn leads to the search for stronger stimuli and more blatant aid forms. Those involved become caught up and are deprived of true sexuality in a normal situation.
“It is like a door to temptation”
Juané, a Marriage Capsule member, and her husband are both opposed to using sex toys. “First of all, from a Christian point of view, the Father gave husband and woman to each other. He also instructed us not to give in to temptation. Temptation usually comes in through a door that was deliberately left open. It may start out as innocent fun for many people… until it’s not enough anymore.
“My opinion is that it is like a drug. And that is precisely where the temptation door is opened up wide and pornography, strip clubs and who knows what else, start to emerge. So, my advice is to enjoy each other and find precious love. I don’t think sexy underwear, however, has such a big influence. After all you want to look good for your husband. And it only stays on for a while, not so? I just think that, as soon as you become dependent on something, it may have to be viewed in a different light,” says Juané.
René, a visitor on Gretha Wiid’s Facebook page, comments: “I don’t believe there were vibrators and toys in Paradise and my husband is all I need, thank you. A husband and wife make a covenant with God every time they have sex, and where does plastic toys fit in with that?” Although on the other hand, people might argue that there was also no Lindt chocolate and bubble bath in Paradise, but that we have the opportunity to enjoy these little pleasures today!
“You’re not making love to your husband”
Sheila Wray Gregoire, author of The Good Girl’s Guide to Sex, is equally opposed to sex toys. According to her, sex toys emphasize physical intimacy over spiritual or emotional intimacy. She is worried that people will become too dependent on sex toys and the pursuit of an orgasm rather than the expression of love. She also believes that many (although not all) sex toys are a form of masturbation. Even if your husband uses the sex toys on you, he is not the one you are making love to, she believes.
Some people end up using sex toys so much that it is no longer their partner, but rather the toy that makes them feel good. When you start relying too much on sex toys, you lose the closeness that sex can possibly bring. Sex is not supposed to be just about one person, it is supposed to be mutual, Sheila says.
She also believes that sex toys can have the same effect as pornography, by recreating body parts that create unrealistic expectations and which can ultimately result in your spouse no longer being “good enough” or sufficient to satisfy your needs.
YES! Sex toys saved my marriage
About eight months after she got married, *Charmaine Williams discovered with a shock that she had Vaginismus. Sex with her husband was almost impossible – every attempt was more painful than the one before. Her husband tried his best to be supportive, but Charmaine was terrified that her marriage would eventually break up because their sex life was limited to mutual masturbation.
She eventually gathered the courage to visit a gynecologist. Although she was relieved to receive a diagnosis, she also realized that it would take time before she would ever be able to have “normal” sex.
“One of the suggestions made by my therapist was to use sex toys to ‘train’ myself for sex,” Charmaine says. “I was really terrified of sex because I didn’t want to experience that pain again. Using a vibrator, I was able to discover myself bit for bit without feeling traumatized.”
Charmaine and her husband now incorporate various battery-powered devices into their routine to relieve the pressure of penetration. “It is no fun for any newly married couple to struggle with sexual problems – what a disillusionment!” says Charmaine. “I even told my husband, after a painful session one night, that I would understand if he didn’t want me anymore, because I felt like half a woman. However, thanks to sex toys, we can now sexually interact with each other. It saved my marriage!”
“A vibrator can be an aid”
Dr Ettiene Kok, a sexologist and urologist from Pretoria, points out that a distinction must be made between sexual aids and toys. An item used by one person simply for kicks, may mean the difference between an orgasm or no pleasure at all for another person.
“In my book, a vibrator is not a toy, but rather an enhancer that can help many women discover themselves and their own sexuality, but it can also be used together, as part of the game of love and the process of making love,” says Ettiene. “It is from this point of view that I would suggest to a person in therapy or a couple to purchase and use a vibrator. The same goes for the use of lubricants.”
But where does one draw the line? Are beautiful underwear, feathers and chocolates not also toys? “Soft” toys such as chocolate, body paint, feathers and so on can help to spice up people’s sex lives. “Here, the biggest stimulus doesn’t come from the toys anyway, but rather from a good relationship with respect, trust, openness, communication and “I like you”-feelings!” says Ettiene.
What about “hard/rough” toys such as handcuffs and whips? “I don’t think there are room for these in a marriage,” he says. “For me it is on the same level as sadomasochism and the Fifty Shades of Grey idea, with which I have a big problem. Things that hurt and cause pain are not supposed to be erotic!”
“If it leads to mutual enjoyment, why not?”
According to Dr Johan Nel, a pastoral therapist from Bloemfontein, there is not much written in the Bible about sex toys. Song of Songs does however lead us to understand what an essential and enjoyable ingredient a good sexual relationship is within marriage. Beautiful and sensual underwear/sleepwear is acceptable within the limited space of spouses’ love game. So are aromatic massage oils and scented candles.
“It is good to feel sexy – it builds self-confidence and self-esteem. If it can contribute to mutual enjoyment, it can’t hurt,” he says. Johan also agrees that vibrators fall in a grey area when it comes to the distinction between a tool and a toy.
“A vibrator is sometimes more functional than erotic, as it is a tool for people who find it difficult to get an orgasm. Its use is common, and it is often recommended by sexologists and therapists. There are situations where penetration cannot occur, and then a vibrator is very useful. It is also helpful in cases where the woman, for example, takes longer to reach climax. As long as the partners focus on closeness, romance and mutual considerate action to deepen the relationship, there is my view, no problem.”
“It can be part of a Christian marriage”
The website themarriagebed.com, aimed at married Christian couples, interprets the term “sex toys” as a poor description for items that enhance sex. “Anything that is not part of our bodies, and which we use to improve sex, can be deemed an item that enhances sex. In Proverbs 7, the Bible mentions herbs and special sheets to make sex more enjoyable.”
Similarly, there are also items that can be used today to make sex more enjoyable for a Christian couple, they say. These include “tame” aids, such as satin sheets, scented candles, mirrors and lubricants. Then, for the more adventurous couples, there are fragrant powders and oils, such as honey and chocolate. Underwear also fits in this category. The website argues that the Bible does not forbid sexual aids like these and they can therefore form part of a loving sex life within the boundaries of marriage.
“But these items can also be the source of distraction, arguments and hard feelings. Many Christians are still struggling with the rules and restrictions they learnt in the past and sexual items may make them feel confused or uncomfortable.” The most important thing for you and your partner is to agree on using aids and not push the other one if he/she is uncomfortable with it.
Johan agrees with this last point and says that toys can become a problem if, for example, the man insists that his wife satisfies herself with the vibrator because it is exciting for him, but she does not like it. “Or if one mate wants the other to use the vibrator anally while there is no agreement. Here it comes down to a lack of love and sex that blurs to a mere act.”
He warns that any Fifty Shades of Grey-type toys rather not belong in marriage. “The Bible rates the love game, with the emphasis on love, very high, in fact, it is said that one should not unnecessarily refuse each other intercourse. Where’s the problem with rough toys? Some of the practices become violent, and that is not the intention of the gift of sex.”
The term “sex toys” is not limited to only dildos and vibrators. According to sexologist, Elmari Mulder-Craig, the publication of Fifty Shades of Grey has led to the sales of sexual aids, especially vibrators, increase threefold. “Sexual aids include lubricants, vibrators and penis rings, among others. Also remember that your whole house is full of sexual toys, such as velvet items, silk scarves, cream, massage oils and more.”
According to Mohamed, a salesman at Adult World in Vredenburg in the Western Cape, poppers and erection pills are their best sellers. A vibrator that stimulates the clitoris is the most popular item among married people. “Married couples usually visit the store together looking for something to spice up their marriage.”
Who buys sex toys?
Michael Brauer, of a company selling sex aids online, estimates that at least 50% of their clients are couples. “We can see in the nature of an order whether it is a couple buying. For example, they buy items for both her and him (in other words, a bit of everything), or the husband buys something for his wife – the order is placed by a man, but it’s a vibrator or lingerie, usually a gift from him to her. We have realized that many couples together search for what they want online,” Michael adds. “Then it is most often the man who places the order (and pays for it!).
“We often get inquiries about what couple’s toys are recommended. We have a whole range of toys specifically designed for couples. Couples usually start with items that they can use during foreplay. If they like it (which is almost always the case!), they try out other things as well. We have couples who have been buying from us for years and regularly try something new. It’s wonderful that people are realising more and more that sex and fun go together.”
Michael says that vibrators remain the most popular item. The sales of sex toys among couples are certainly rising. “People are becoming increasingly ‘open-minded’ and the Fifty Shades of Grey books have also helped to break down stigmas. “
What can you do to stay safe?
Elmari says: “Buy a good quality vibrator recommended by a sexologist. Visit the leading sexologists’ websites in South Africa for guidelines. But when one of the lovers prefers using a sexual aid rather than being intimate with his or her partner, the alarms should sound. This probably indicates underlying dynamics in the relationship that need to be dealt with. Communicate about this. It is not true that you will never again be able to reach an orgasm naturally once you have become used to a vibrator. One can certainly not get addicted to it either.”
- There is no recipe that works for everyone. We all have different needs and preferences. Sexual aids are not a prerequisite for good or interesting sex.
- Ultimately, the love game is about intimacy, sensuality and mutual satisfaction. A vibrator is just a sexual aid.
- As a woman, you do not have to be ashamed for using a vibrator. You are part of the only species on earth with a clitoris, which consists of about 8 000 nerve endings and which was created exclusively for sexual pleasure.
- Make sure that you know what each one’s likes and dislikes are, and respect your partner’s boundaries at all times.
Additional sources: facebook.com and tolovehonorandvacuum.com.
Do you only vaguely remember the vapor against the back window of his orange VW Beetle and that time your limbs performed acrobatic tricks you didn’t think were possible? Then it is time to once again close the bedroom door behind you… and let your imagination run wild!
Here are a few ideas to step out of your comfort zone:
- Book a hotel room and send a WhatsApp message to your partner to meet you there over lunchtime. Or plan an evening away for the two of you. Dress up and pretend that you are meeting each other in secret. Arrive separately and rip the clothes off each other!
- Sex on the kitchen table. You have most probably have heard of this one, but have you tried it yet? While busy in the kitchen, call him to come and help with something and wait for him wearing just your apron. If you really want to be dramatic, he can wipe everything off the table top before lifting you on there.
- In a swimming pool. Go away for the weekend to a holiday resort where there is a steaming hot pool. If entry is prohibited, however, rather don’t risk it. If you have a swimming pool at home, it can still be just as adventurous as you sneak out so that the kids don’t hear about your midnight escapades in the pool.
- On the boardroom table at work! If hubby has to work late, let him know that you will pop in quickly to say hello. Just make sure that no one else is working late. Put on your sexiest underwear underneath a big coat and surprise him. During Monday’s meeting he will definitely picture you on that very same table.
- When no one else is home, offer to help him wash the car. Park the car in the back yard, put on a white T-shirt and a bikini bottom and start washing. The result? Sex on the hood of his car – guaranteed!
- Ask for his help with the laundry and when you get to the washing machine, switch it on to start a load. Then get on top of the machine and pull him close…
- In the cold winter months, very few things beat sex in front of the fireplace. Put on some romantic music, light a few candles, open a bottle of red wine and place a soft carpet or blanket in front of the fire. Invite him to join you and one thing will most definitely lead to the next…
- When visiting his parents’ house, pay close attention to his every move. A few minutes after he excuses himself to go to the bathroom, get up from the table and wait for him outside the door. Surprise him with a passionate kiss and lead him into his old bedroom as a child.
- A weekend in the countryside can get very exciting. When visiting friends who live on a farm, go for a walk – just the two of you. Secretly run to the barn and throw your clothes over a haystack. Get down right there, but beware of sharp straw hems.
- Dune sex is a hit! When on holiday at the coast, go for a walk along the beach and lead him away from the water, into the dunes. As long as the wind isn’t blowing too strongly, you can have amazing sex between the dunes, without anyone seeing you, and with the sound of the waves in your ears and the sun on your naked skin.
- In a treehouse. When the kids are away one weekend, you can do it Tarzan-and-Jane-style. Break into the kids’ treehouse and go wild amongst the branches.
- Go shopping together for clothes. Take a few items with you to the changing room as if you are going to fit them. Hubby should stay close, perhaps checking out some woman’s underwear in the meantime. Call the assistant to bring you a different size of a certain item and once she is gone, hubby can sneak in. Slip into another cubicle and get it on with mirrors all around.
- When going camping, the possibilities are endless. Go for a walk and as long as the route is safe, you can wander off the trail and look for a spot where you can lie down between the ferns. You can also have sex against the walls of a cave or in a mountain pool. In the evenings the tent is available, but if you are alone, a spot next to the open fire is even better.
- Have you ever had sex in a rocking chair? There are people who claim that it is the best moving sex that one can have. If it is one of your fantasies to have sex while you and your partner are moving, you can also try it on a swing, a merry-go-round or a hammock.
- Sex in the back row at the movies is also a popular, but risky option. Buy tickets for the late-night show in the middle of the week, when it is unlikely that there would be many other people. Pick a romantic movie so that you have an appropriate backtrack to set the mood and one where hubby won’t move you aside to watch the end!
- In the sauna. For a warm, sweaty experience, don’t let the opportunity pass by to enjoy a sauna together. Sitting in a sauna is boring, hot and you only have towels around your bodies. Pretend that you are sitting somewhere exotic in a log cabin and there are long benches. Your bodies are so sweaty that you are slippery enough to slide around. And ladies, just think about all the calories that you will burn by combining a sauna session with a good round of sex!
- Visit a library – the bigger the better. A university library is a good idea to remind you about the carefree days when you could make out non-stop for 24 hours! Leave a note in his shirt pocket to meet you in the English Literature or Biology section. Then read a passionate Shakespeare piece or inspect a biology sketch of the human body before you bring those words and images to life between the bookshelves.
- Sex in the bathroom can also have many variations. Do it on the edge of the bath, in a tub with bubble bath, under the shower or quite simply flat on the bathroom tiles.
- On the stairs. There are few things so romantic as when a man carries his wife up the stairs to the bedroom. However, it is not even necessary to reach the bedroom. The railing and the fact that the stairs are at different heights create many opportunities for all kinds of interesting positions.
- The Mile-High Club is the phrase used to associate people who have had sex on a plane. If you have ever noticed people leaving the restroom cubicle on a plane at the same time, or shortly after one another, they are probably now members of the Mile-High Club… Maybe you should try.
The list really is endless. Any space that is big enough for two, is good enough for sex! Make a memory in each room of the house so that you can relive the remembrance of your passion time and again. And have sex in as many places as you dare. Whenever you revisit those spots, you will share a mysterious smile of which only you two know the meaning.
Believe it or not – these are also 20 tried and tested sex hot-spots:
- In a helicopter
- On a motorbike
- In a public restroom
- In a jacuzzi
- On a trampoline
- Under a rainbow
- In a field
- On a jungle gym
- On a balcony
- On the deck of a ship
- In a hot air balloon
- On the back of a horse
- While sailing in a canoe
- Next to a Christmas tree
- On a merry-go-round
- While scuba diving
- In the restroom at a restaurant
- On the wet grass under the full moon
- On the house’s roof
- Barefoot (and bareback) in the rain
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Losing weight has never been such a fun-filled activity! A good sex life not only helps you to sleep better and boosts your energy levels, but it can also burn a lot of calories. So how do you start following this fitness plan?
- Think sexy. If you go to the gym for an aerobics class, you need appropriate attire. The same is applicable to your mattress aerobics session. Invest in a seductive outfit to motivate both of you to ‘work out’.
- Do the Elvis-pelvis. For this move, you need to be naked with your pelvises touching each other. Lift your arms and lean backwards while keeping your pelvis connected to your partner’s pelvis. Stay in this position for three seconds and repeat five times.
- Make sex a priority. Try to have sex three to five times per week for half an hour at a time. This may sound like too much, but if you consider how much time you spend in front of the television, then it is only a drop in the ocean . . . and sitting on the couch with a packet of chips definitely won’t help you to get rid of the weight that you gained during the winter!
- Keep your goal in mind. Sex burns the same amount of calories as brisk walking. Energetic and longer periods of sex can burn up to 1 650 calories. The active partner (which is usually the person on top) will usually burn more calories.
- Stay focused. It’s easy to get caught up in the pleasures of sex with your partner. Remember that your goal is to burn calories, so ensure that you are active. Within weeks, you will see a difference in the shape and tone of your muscles.
- Keep your mattress aerobics interesting. An exercise regime doesn’t have to be boring. Be creative and try new things. As you lose weight and become stronger, you will both be able to experiment with new positions. Make sure that both of you are comfortable with the activities and enjoy it.
- Keep an eye on your diet. A healthy diet will help you to reach your weight loss goals much faster. A balanced menu of fruit, vegetables, whole grain and protein will help you to satisfy your nutritional needs. Limit your alcohol intake to get results faster.
- Exercise together outside of the bedroom. A healthy sex life can do wonders for your body, but regular exercise outside of the bedroom is still important. If you exercise with your partner, it could help both of you to get in the right mood . . . The endorphins, healthy glow and lively feeling that you get from being physically active, is the perfect preamble for an exercise session in the bedroom.
- Encourage each other. A compliment that makes you feel flaming hot, is worth gold when you are trying to lose weight. Tell him how sexy his tight bum looks or admire his biceps that are growing after each ‘workout session’.
- Enjoy each other afterwards. Take a shower together when you need to get rid of sweat after a ‘workout’. Touch each other softly and be loving – this may even motivate you for another session!
Combining your exercise regime with sex is like hitting two birds with one stone – you and your husband will be losing weight together while increasing your level of intimacy. So, what are you waiting for? Start searching for the perfect sexy outfit for tonight!
Are you up for a 30 days of foreplay challenge? Here is your calendar:
Give your partner a compliment relating to his or her appearance. Say this in the nicest way possible and be very specific. Do it over the phone, via a text message, a message in his or her diary or on a sticky note.
Stare into your partner’s eyes during dinner. When he or she asks what’s going on, say: “Oh, I’m just planning what I’m going to do to you tonight.” (Make sure this sounds sexy and not at all like a threat!)
Leave subtle clues in strategic places, such as a bra hanging over a chair, a condom on his table in the study or a tie around your bedpost.
Give your partner a massage. Avoid the erogenous zones (except one or two light touches that happened seemingly by accident).
Undress sensually and slowly before going to bed. If you undress at a vastly different speed than you usually do, you will have his or her attention.
Surprise your partner with an unexpected kiss at a time he or she would least expect it. Make sure the kiss lasts much longer than usual.
Show much more skin than you usually do. Wear that halter-neck dress with the plunging neckline that makes you a little bit self-conscious.
Try something new and out of the ordinary. Book a table at a restaurant that you’ve never been to or try a new recipe together.
Write your partner an erotic note. Don’t shy away from graphic content. Leave it on his or her pillow.
Wake your partner up by gently stroking his or her entire body.
Take off your pajamas before your partner wakes up and snuggle up close. The secret is to restrain yourselves so that you can enjoy each other’s bodies later.
According to experts, the love hormone oxytocin gets released after 20 seconds of kissing, but most couples only kiss for six seconds. Make sure your kisses last longer today (it will make the sex this evening so much better!).
Phone your partner at least twice during the day to chat.
Before you go to work, recall a special and sexy memory that you two share. For example: “Remember that time when we were in the Seychelles and we stayed in bed all day? The weather was exactly the same as today’s weather.”
As soon as you get home from work, turn off your phone and say: “Tonight I’m all yours.”
Send your partner a gift. It can be something small such as a box of chocolates, a bouquet of flowers, a bottle of wine or a piece of lingerie.
Send your partner a sexy selfie. Be suggestive, but also subtle.
Tackle the chore or task that your partner keeps nagging you about. Whether it’s fixing the light in the bathroom or baking a cheesecake, do it.
Invite your partner to take a shower or bath with you today. Do you have to squeeze to fit in? Then at least it will make you laugh, and that’s also excellent foreplay!
Dress up for your partner, even if you don’t have any plans and are staying in. If your partner asks why you are all dressed up, say that you simply want to look good for him or her.
Sometimes the best foreplay is lending a helping hand. Does she hate cooking? Take care of dinner. Does he always forget to take out the trash? Do it for him.
What do you normally wear to bed? Stained pajamas? Wear something sexy and silky (or sleep naked!).
Leave a sexy note on the bathroom mirror before you leave for work.
Play! Get a pillow and start a pillow fight or a wrestling match. Pick your partner up and carry her to the bedroom. Excellent foreplay!
Everyone wants to feel like they are succeeding in something, so give your partner an “A+” today. Take a red pen or lipstick and a sheet of white paper and write: “A+ on your sharp sense of humour” or “A+ on being a great mom”.
Show the world that you are a tight-knit team. If you’re in the shops together, put your hand around your partner’s waist. Give him or her a big kiss in the grocery store.
Do you have a special song? Request the song and dedicate it to your partner on the radio station that he or she listens to.
Basic manners. When was the last time that you opened the car door for your partner? Or said thank you for something he or she did for you? If you start doing these little things again, you might be surprised at what a big difference it can make to your relationship and love life.
“Accidentally” slide up against your partner throughout the day. Rub your breasts against his back or slightly bump into him with your bum. Smile in a naughty and playful way.
Go to work or out to the shops without underwear today. Whisper to your partner that you’re not wearing any underwear and challenge him or her to do the same.
By now, you will know exactly which of these foreplay ideas work for you and your partner. Keep it up and enjoy a hotter marriage!
According to research, many women say they have never had an orgasm. Is it true that only some (lucky) women can experience orgasms, and is it even that important?
When Bernice and James got married, she didn’t have an orgasm on her wedding night, but she thought that it was probably due to a lack of experience. After months of being married and a lot of effort and patience on James’s behalf, however, Bernice started to wonder if she would ever know what an orgasm felt like.
Bernice started to obsess about it, to the point where it started to cause problems in their marriage. Sex was supposed to be an earth-shattering experience…so what was wrong?
What is considered “normal” when it comes to orgasms?
In her book, The elusive orgasm: A woman’s guide to why she can’t and how she can orgasm, Vivienne Cass writes that the word “normal” makes her uncomfortable when it is used in the context of orgasms because there are so many ways to reach orgasm and there are also so many ways in which a person can feel sexual. Vivienne is of the opinion that it isn’t about whether you reach orgasm or how often you have an orgasm, but rather how you feel about orgasms.
Quality definitely trumps quantity and the numbers can be used as a measurement tool to determine whether your sex life is good or not, says sexologist Elmari Craig and Bible expert Hennie Stander in their book A-Z of Sex. “It is much more important to be focused on each other’s needs, to feel cared for and secure in your relationship.”
Society, however, creates so much pressure to have high-octane orgasms, multi-orgasms, G-spot orgasms and to have orgasms at exactly the same time that many women feel that they simply aren’t hitting the mark in the bedroom.
In her book, The Dot Spot, Dorothy Black writes: “It would appear to me that we’re not really making space for the wide range of orgasms that can be had. If there’s one thing I could tell a person who has never had an orgasm is that not all orgasms set off fireworks. Each and every orgasm doesn’t leave you crying, laughing or screaming.”
“Orgasms can be as disappointing as they are amazing, and as boring as they can be lifechanging. They can build up and leave you in a little puddle wondering ‘Was that it?’, or they can come out of nowhere and hit you on the cervix like a lightning bolt from Zeus.
Are orgasms a given?
A 2015 study by research company GfK Research showed that about 40% of women need clitoral stimulation during sex to reach orgasm. Only 20% of women reported that they can achieve orgasm through vaginal penetration. The rest of the research respondents said that they have never reached orgasm during sex (or they detailed alternative methods of how they achieved orgasms).
There are definitely women who report not having experienced an orgasm, and then there are women who have experienced an orgasm but for some reason aren’t experiencing them as often as they would like.
“Despite changing attitudes about sex and the large amount of literature available, there are still women who are unable to have an orgasm. These women are often shy or even ashamed about not being able to function ‘normally’ and instead of talking to their husbands and risking that their husbands feel inadequate about it, they keep quiet instead,” write Elmari and Hennie.
Many women investigate medical or hormonal sources as the root of the problem, but the problem is often psychological or related to lifestyle issues.
According to independent.co.uk, 45% of women experience some sort of sexual problem and 12% attribute sexual challenges to personal stress. Other things that can negatively impact the chance of a woman being able to achieve orgasm is medicine, too much alcohol, self-confidence issues, hormonal changes, fears relating to sex, low testosterone, vaginal dryness, relationship problems, anatomy (the distance between the clitoris and the vagina) and emotional or relationship stress.
Perceptions surrounding sex that a woman develops during her formative years could also have an impact on a woman’s ability to have an orgasm. Other issues could relate to a partner who ejaculates prematurely or doesn’t really understand the female anatomy.
When a therapist has to treat anorgasmia, the therapist will look into issues such as health, medication, deep-rooted ideas and fears, as well as the current techniques that are being used. If you are experiencing problems achieving orgasm, consider seeking help from an experienced therapist (especially if this is causing problems in your marriage).
But if you’re not 100% happy with yours…
Don’t get caught up in the media frenzy about sexuality. Your sex life isn’t less worthy if you can’t find your G-spot, you and your husband aren’t reaching orgasm at exactly the same time, or if you aren’t having 10 back-to-back orgasms during sex.
Dorothy writes: “Wherever and however you experience an orgasm, is 100% okay. There are different paths that can lead women towards orgasm, and no path is better than the other. However that orgasm is made possible is irrelevant in your personal journey in pleasure and sex.”
Communicate, relax and focus on what you are experiencing, without emphasising what you think is lacking. “The more stressed out you are about not having an orgasm, the harder it will be to get there,” advise Elmari and Hennie.
“Try different stimulation methods, such as oral sex and your hands. Foreplay should take place in a calm, intimate and romantic atmosphere. This, combined with the fact that women need to know and understand their bodies and sexuality, could lead to a positive outcome.”
“An orgasm shouldn’t be the singular goal of intimacy. Talk to your partner about your needs, make sure that foreplay lasts long enough – at least 20 minutes to half an hour – and make sure that your most important sexual organ, namely your brain, is actively involved in the process.
“Remember that the journey is more important than the destination. The emotional intimacy, closeness and security that you experience during sex should be more important than any orgasm.”