How easily does criticism make its way into your daily dialogue with your spouse? Hurtful remarks can leave scars. Even when you are not trying to be mean, a slip of the tongue can happen so quickly when you are tired, irritated or furious. While your spouse often forgives you when you snap, what happens when you say something that really leaves a scar?

Keeping your system clean

Do you have a water purifier at home or at work? Have you seen the mess that gets stuck in the filters after months of use? If you don’t remove the filth, the filter won’t be able to keep your water clean. You can’t buy another purifier when your current one breaks down, so you need to make the effort of keeping your current system up to scratch.

Your marriage is worth more than a water purifier, so you need to make sure you are not letting your marriage’s filters accumulate filth. The grime that can build up between partners can damage your marriage as well as your relationship with God.

Maybe you are thinking: “But my husband and I have said so many hurtful things to each other. Can you ever really take it all back? It will be hard.” With God, all things are possible – but no one said anything about it being easy. Put on your garden gloves, get your scrub brush and a bucket of soapy water, and put God on speed dial. It is time to purify your marriage’s filters!

Two heads in one (prayer) hat

To become one in the body, brings you and your spouse closer together. With Bible study, you and your partner can be drawn closer to each other spiritually. If you and your spouse do Bible study and prayer separately, this needs to change.

Decide on a time that will suit both of you – maybe before work in the mornings or before bedtime in the evenings. Take turns to read parts of the Bible to each other. When you pray, thank God for the privilege to be married to each other and ask Him to bless your marriage. Couples that pray together, experience a decline in conflict and are able to create a deeper spiritual bond.

It is not a competition

Are you subconsciously keeping score of who wins fights? Stop this immediately, because your relationship isn’t a competition or a balance sheet. Arguments are only “won” if the issue is completely resolved and both parties are satisfied with the outcome.

Keep the (young) cows out of the ditch

How long does it take you to tell your spouse when he is doing something that frustrates you? Some people cannot wait to highlight their partner’s flaws and mistakes, while others will keep quiet for a long time and then just explode after a period has passed.

Both instances lead to unnecessary conflict. No one wants to be reminded constantly of their mistakes. You are not perfect, so how can you expect your spouse to be? Your spouse is just a human being with his own flaws.

Does it irritate you if hubby doesn’t put his hand in front of his mouth when he yawns? Don’t wait until he does it for the 50th time before you say something. Talk to him about it the first time – do not let the problem become a nagging issue in your marriage.

Always and never

Many times you tell your husband: “You never help me with the dishes!” Or he tells you: “You always complain about everything!” Words like “always” and “never” are worms in the apple you skin with hubby – it spoils everything. Avoid absolutes because it’s usually far from the truth.

The moment one of you exaggerates the problem, your partner will immediately be defensive. Your partner is so busy defending himself that the purpose of the argument gets lost.

The no-go words

Every time you insult your partner, a part of your relationship dies. Sometimes we don’t even mean it, we are just angry and want to say something hurtful. Unfortunately, you don’t just hurt your partner’s feelings, you also damage one of God’s creations.

The tongue is sharper than a double-edged sword. If you struggle to keep it in check, then give it up in prayer. Let go of your ego and ask your husband to also pray for you about the situation. He is not going to think less of you – on the contrary, he will gain more respect for you.

Bullying and manipulation

We all know how a bully gets his way – he threatens you with something that is important to you. What do you and hubby threaten each other with to get your way? Do you refuse sex if he doesn’t do what you ask? Does he refuse to lend you his car if you do not agree with him? This is a terrible bullying tactic.

Washing dirty laundry in public

Have you and your spouse attacked each other in public, in front of friends and family or the kids? You probably felt very embarrassed afterwards. It is awful to fight, but it’s even worse when you realize other people now know about your problems and they see how badly you are treating each other. There is a time and place for everything. Let whatever is bothering you go until you get home, when you can talk about it alone behind closed doors.

Your marital problems or difficulties are between you and your partner. It is private and personal. Similarly, it is very uncomfortable for those who witness the tirade. Your guests will quickly head for the door when you start fighting and you can be sure that invitations to social events will lessen if you keep it up.

“Sometimes my wife and I can argue about something for hours, but we do not get anywhere. There are only so many hours in a day – what do we do?”

Firstly, if you see the conversation is going nowhere, take a break and agree to continue when you both feel refreshed again. This isn’t a way out to escape from the problem, it just gives you some time to rethink what has already been said and to bring new solutions to the table.

Secondly, do not start an argument the moment you are on your way to work or on your way out. Postpone it for a while, but do not leave it all together.

It is going to take time and a lot of patience to get your marriage filters clean. Hold on, hang in there and the reward will be absolutely worth it.

Article by Thalia du Preez

Additional sources: christianadviceonmarriage.com, ivillage.com