It’s okay if he leaves his wet towel on the floor, but it’s not okay if he punches a hole through your door because he can’t control his anger. When it comes to choosing a life partner, how do you know which things to tolerate?
Instead of daydreaming about planning your perfect wedding, take some time to plan your dream marriage. When your big day is fast approaching, it’s easy to get caught up in all the arrangements and wedding drama, and to forget that a marriage is about much more than the ceremony and party afterwards.
Some couples’ honeymoon bubble quickly evaporates as the challenges of everyday life start to arise. It’s common to hear newlyweds saying that marriage is much harder than they thought it would be, and it seems to look like problems arose out of nowhere.
Pastor and author, Rick Warren, says a marriage doesn’t cause problems, but illuminates them. How can you weatherproof your marriage so that it not only withstands the first year of new challenges, but also the seven-year itch and all the other storms that may or may not follow? It all comes down to planning and preparation.
Start by making three lists for your marriage. Sit down with your partner and decide which things are important to you as a couple. Prepare a few leading questions for yourself, as well as for your partner, to determine what your biggest differences are and how you are going to overcome these differences if and when challenges arise.
To simplify the process, divide your questionnaire into three main categories. It’s important that your partner realizes how important these questions and lists are (and doesn’t attribute your efforts to some bridezilla streak). Here’s how to do it:
Red: Hard limits
The red-limit list will comprise of things that are non-negotiable for you. For your marriage to work, you must feel the same way about these things. Not only will it make your marriage exceptionally difficult if you don’t agree, but it could have a ripple effect on your families.
Religion and values are right at the top of this list. It can be a massive problem if you have different believes, and you will need a plan of action on how you are going to approach these aspects.
Consider how these issue will impact your family if you decide to have children. Do both of you want kids? How do you feel about the involvement of family members in your lives and the lives of your children? Decide how much influence your family members will have on your marriage and where you are going to draw boundaries.
Nothing is worse than a wife who needs to compete with her mother-in-law for the attention of her husband. Make decisions about the division of labor in your house. Does your husband-to-be have a problem with you having a full-time job and will it become a problem if you earn more than him?
Yellow: Soft limits
This list is for serious issues, but ones that you can negotiate about. You and your partner still have to agree on these topics, but there’s more room for flexibility. For this list to work, both of you must be prepared to give and take. If you can’t make compromises before the wedding, then it’s definitely not going to get easier after you get married.
Decide which battles you’re prepared to lose to win the war. Ask questions such as: How many children do you want? When do you want to start a family? Who carries the credit card with him or her? Who is responsible for different parts of the household?
Green: Unnecessary limits
This is the list where all the insignificant details are categorized. It’s the issues that you can and should disagree on, because it’s not healthy for couple to agree on absolutely everything. Sometimes it’s good to have a bit of a disagreement so that you can continue to grow as a couple and as individuals.
If you are disagreeing on what you want for dinner and whether My Girl is better entertainment than CSI, you’re not going to end up in a divorce lawyer’s office. How you approach these disagreements, will depend on you as a couple. The important thing is that you are able to communicate openly and honestly with each other. Don’t get angry and make a point of respecting each other’s opinions.
Remember that you are two individuals with different personalities, needs and opinions. If you are able to approach differences in the right way, you could end up being an inspiration for others.
Sources: marriagemissions.com, thellenlevy.com.