Do It Yourself, here’s how!
We live in an era where anything you need can be bought, but every single item comes with a price tag.
This has led to homemade gifts and products becoming increasingly special; not only because it requires a bit of craft and skill, but because making something yourself will cost you precious time – something that we all need a bit more of.
In this article, we want to give you a few romantic DIY ideas to spoil your partner with. Our readers have requested this type of info so there are obviously a few people who are willing to get their hands dirty and produce something special on a tight budget!
Create a love bottle
Tie a ribbon around a glass bottle. Take a sticker and write ‘love bottle’ on the sticker and stick it to the bottle. Take coloured cardboard or pretty paper, cut it into 10cm x 10cm pieces, and write little love letters or a nice note on each paper.
Wrap each paper with tissue paper and put the notes and candy in the bottle. When your partner needs a bit of a pick-me-up or a thoughtful note, he can take a paper and a candy out of the bottle.
Strawberry hearts
Cut strawberries down the middle and place the pieces on a baking tray. Pour melted chocolate over the strawberries to make delicious strawberry hearts.
Bedroom lottery
How about creating your own scratch card that gives your husband the chance to win one of three bedroom spoils? Take an A5 cardboard and write “Your bedroom lottery” on it. On a separate card, write out the instructions: “It’s your lucky day! Here you have three chances to win a bit of pleasure. Each week, you can scratch open a square and a prize will be revealed!”
On the A5 cardboard, draw three hearts (about 5cm x 5cm) next to each other. Write three ‘favours’ – one in each heart. For example: “An hour long sensual massage”, “A striptease in the bedroom”, and “A blindfolded experience”. Paint over each heart with the following concoction: Two parts acrylic paint (mix equal amounts of black, white and silver paint) and one part dishwashing liquid. Now your hubby has his own personalised lotto scratch card!
Make your camping spot romantic
Are you happy campers? If you’re going camping for the weekend (especially if you’re going away to celebrate an anniversary or a special occasion), then try to make your camping spot as romantic as possible.
How about a homemade chandelier? Take a hula-hoop and cover it with old pieces of cloth (such as linen). Now take strips of ribbon of approximately 1m long and tie them at various sections of the hula-hoop so that they can all be bundled together at one point. Take a strip of fairy lights and twist it around the hula-hoop and voila! Now you’ve got your own chandelier to hang outside your tent or caravan to create a romantic atmosphere.
The coin date
Take a coin out of your purse. Ask your husband to choose a number between 10 and 20 (this is the number of times that you’re going to flip the coin). Get in the car and drive to the main road of your suburb or town. “Heads” means that you’re turning left and “tails” means you’re turning right. Keep flipping the coin to determine the route that you will be travelling. If your husband chose the number ‘17’, then your journey ends after 17 turns.
This is where you will stop the car for your date. You might have to tap into your creative sides to come up with a workable plan for your date. If there’s only a petrol garage in the street, then you can buy Twinkies and coffee for a coffee date. If there’s a pawn shop, spend a bit of time hunting for bargains, if there’s a park, sit on the swings and play together. Keep a bottle of champagne and two glasses handy in case your journey comes to an end in a quiet suburb – then you can sip champagne together!
Additional sources: youtube.com, pinterest.com
By – Annelize Steyn
It isn’t common, but sometimes a couple divorces and ends up marrying each other again.
Can it work? Does such a couple learn from their mistakes and make a success of their marriage the second time around? Or is the marriage doomed to fail?
Nick realized that he had anger managed problems too late – after he raised his hand to his wife, Mary (now 64). The first time he struck his wife, he took a step back and knew that his anger was a huge problem that he is going to have to deal with. Mary and the kids moved out and she divorced him. Today, Nick (now 66) and Mary are happier than ever.
“When I was growing up, my mother had depression,” says Nick. When he was 15 years old, her failed suicide attempt led her to be institutionalized. “After my mom was committed to a psychiatric facility, my father mentally checked out. My dad would stay out all night and leave me and my younger brother at home alone. Sometimes he brought strange women back with him. I had to keep the fort and be strong and dependable for my little brother. Nobody could tell that I was bottling up intense emotions because I always appeared calm and collected.”
When he was close to graduating from high school, Nick experienced the false sense of comfort that alcohol could provide. Later in his life, he realized that he was an alcoholic by the time he finished studying. “It was easy to hide my alcohol dependency because many of my classmates would drink socially as well. Nobody thought anything of the fact that I was drinking every day though.”
In his second year at university, Nick met Mary, who was studying towards becoming a social worker. “We were madly in love,” says Nick.
The two of them got married shortly after Mary graduated. It was then that Mary realised how much and how often Nick drank. “Mary tried to talk to me about my alcohol consumption, but I shrugged off her concerns. Later on, these conversations turned into repeated arguments. It feels like all we did during the first ten years of our marriage was argue.”
To avoid confrontations, Nick tried to hide his booze and alcohol consumption from Mary, but Mary knew. After the birth of their second child, Mary was dispirited and depressed. “She couldn’t take it anymore and became depressed about the situation. One day, out of desperation, she said that she’s going to drive her car into a ditch if I don’t stop drinking. That struck a nerve with me…”
Under the influence of alcohol and with years of built-up sadness from childhood wounds, Nick hit Mary through her face during an argument. “Immediately after I hit her, I knew that this would be a turning point in my life. I’m going to ruin our lives.” Nick collapsed and started to cry. Mary and the kids moved out and Nick was issued with a divorce notice. Six months later, they were divorced.
One of the legal requirements of being able to see his kids without supervision was that Nick go to rehab. “This was the lowest point in my life. Having to book into a rehab center made me feel like a complete loser and it triggered memories of the time my mom was committed to a facility. It was tough, but I knew I had to face my demons.”
Nick had to attend group therapy sessions daily and he had to attend individual therapy sessions once per week. “It was hard and I wanted to give up multiple times. When the therapy started to work, I realised how much I love my wife and how much I need her.” Nick decided that he was going to win Mary back.
Nick realized that another relationship would only lead to the same, sad outcome; because he was the problem. “I had to face the sadness and damage that I caused my wife. She was prepared to meet with me and my psychologist so that I could take ownership of what I did and so that I could tell her how sorry I was.” Mary was surprised, but didn’t know if she could trust the new status quo. “I had to win her back. One day at a time.”
During therapy, Mary also had the opportunity to express and process her sadness and experiences. It wasn’t a quick fix, but Nick was committed to working towards a long-term solution. “I eventually plucked up the courage to ask her out on a date. I started courting Mary all over.”
Two and a half years after the divorce, they were married again. Nick is sober and he says that deciding to stop drinking, booking himself into rehab, and marrying Mary again were the best decisions he ever made. “I don’t think getting married to the same person again will work for all divorced couples. You can’t just pick up where you left off the last time around! Your reasons for getting a divorce are still there and if you can’t be accountable for the role you played in the collapse of the marriage, then you can’t move forward.”
Can a second chance work for you?
Psychologist, Prof Pieter Joubert, says that he regularly sees couples who are threatening to get a divorce after only being married a few short years. “I often think that these couples spend more time planning their wedding than actually being married! Every now and then, I work with couples who were married, got divorced, and then want to get married to each other again.”
Can a re-marriage work? “I think a lot of it depends on why they got divorced in the first place. If alcohol abuse or workaholic-ism were the problems that led to a divorce, then I believe that a re-marriage can work.”
“Other problems, like a history of infidelity, family violence and anger issues, will take more introspection and therapy to solve.”
“Mutual trust is built on predictability and consistency in behavioral patterns. A couple that wants to re-marry will have to commit to therapy that will help them identify and address the problems that they faced the first time around.”
It’s also possible for you and your former spouse to rediscover each other and realize that the divorce was a mistake, but it’s going to take a lot of hard work to not make the same mistakes again. It’s crucial that couples accept responsibility for the disintegration of their first marriage.
To repeatedly have the same argument is pointless, so you will need to take a long, hard look at your communication skills. The most important thing to focus on is breaking bad patterns and changing your perspective.
- Focus on the steps to success: take a step back, re-look the situation with a fresh perspective, stay calm. Admit to bad habits and the fact that habits can be changed.
- Fight the urge to blame the other person. Become an investigator and focus on fully understanding your partner’s point of view and feelings, without making assumptions. Watch your tone of voice!
- When you’re able to see the situation from each other’s points of view, then you can start working on the problems and finding solutions for them.
Pastoral counselor, Caryn Feldman, believes that a second marriage with the same person can work if you realise the following: “When you repeat the same recipe with the same ingredients, you will get the same results. You are going to have to change your ingredients or your cooking method to achieve a different result.”
For a marriage to work a second time around, honest, serious conversations need to take place. There may also be feelings of disappointment, regret and betrayal that you will need to work through.
Ask yourself the following questions:
- What led us to believe that divorce was the only option in the first place?
- Can I admit to how I contributed to the disintegration of the marriage?
- Have change and personal growth taken place?
- Can I be honest about the areas where I think you need to improve?
- Am I prepared to work on my shortcomings?
- Am I/we prepared to unconditionally forgive each other?
Caryn believes that if both parties can answer these questions honestly and they are willing to give each other a clean slate, then re-marrying each other can work. Couples often don’t have fair “rules of engagement” when it comes to conflict handling. Conflict is part and parcel to being in a marriage, but it shouldn’t destroy a marriage. By setting ground rules, couples can create a safe, stable environment in which constructive conflict can take place.
Caryn explains: “My husband and I avoid cursing as well as blame by changing statements to the following: ‘When you do a certain thing, it makes me feel like…’ In this way, you create an environment for the other party to share his or her feelings so that reconciliation can take place.”
The couple has to be prepared to work on these issues together. They shouldn’t continuously argue about things that happened during their first marriage.
“Unforgiving and constant reminders about your partner’s flaws and shortcomings will never lead to positive results. The same unstable foundation, but now with more cracks than before, will never help you rebuild the marriage. If you see the same warning signs again, then chances are that nothing has changed.”
Be cautious with children and family
Clinical psychologist, Marita van der Berg, says: “Getting married to the same person for the sake of the children is a bad idea. A couple needs to make sure that they are getting married for the right reasons. It’s best to not tell the children that they are in a relationship again because the children may get false hope about the possibility of their parents rekindling, which could potentially lead to more disappointment and hurt. There is also the possibility of the children not being enthusiastic about the idea of their parents getting married again.”
“Pre-marriage counselling is highly advisable. It would also be wise for the couple to be in a committed, loving relationship for at least a year before they get married again.”
“The couple’s parents and in-laws may not be encouraging about the possibility of a re-marriage. The couple as well as the couple’s parents may also benefit from family therapy where boundaries are discussed.”
If you and your former partner want to get married again, thoroughly investigate the reasons for your divorce and determine whether you can solve the problems that led to the divorce. If you can, then a second chance on your marriage is possible if you are committed, patient, and willing to do the work.
By – INTIEM Editorial team
Remember the 2008 Jim Carrey movie called “Yes Man”? In this movie, Jim Carrey’s character was caught in a web of negativity until he went to a self-help seminar that taught him the power of saying yes to everything.
This 180-degree shift opened him up to a wealth of positivity, great experiences and even a new romantic interest.
What would happen if you applied this type of enthusiasm and positivity to your marriage? If you became extra conscious about how often you say no to your partner? To spring clean your marriage, we’re inviting you to eliminate the word ‘no’ and witness the transformation that takes place between you and your spouse.
When writer of the blog Unveiled Wife, Jennifer Smith, asked God what she should give up for Lent in 2014, she was expecting to have to forego her favourite food or an electronic device. The message she received from God, however, was to give up the word ‘no’, which led her to realise how often she said no to per husband.
Jennifer quickly realised that when her husband asked her for a favour, extended a sexual invitation, or shared an opinion, her go-to answer would be ‘no’. When she committed to giving up the word ‘no’ for Lent, she blogged about how tough it was to break the instinctive habit of saying no all the time.
Jennifer asked God to help her on her journey of becoming a Yes Woman and she started to see results almost immediately. One of the things that Jennifer and her husband struggled with was sexual intimacy. Around halfway into Lent, Jennifer started to notice that not only were they having sex more regularly, but the sex was better, too!
Within a short amount of time, Jennifer’s husband reported that he felt more respected, that their relationship felt less strained, and that his wife was generally a nicer person, making it easier for him to be vulnerable with her.
While it’s easy to assume that becoming a Yes Woman simply resulted in Jennifer making more sacrifices, Jennifer says that it was an immensely rewarding experience for her as well. She wrote on her blog that it was beautiful to see what an impact she had on her husband and how her intention to do better positively impacted their marriage. This made her more loving, caring, happy, and it felt that she was serving her husband in Christ.
Can it work?
Yes, if you really want it to! And if you initiate the change. If you become a Yes Woman and your husband remains a No Man, then it can easily start to feel as if you’re being used. Obviously you don’t want him to abuse the situation and the goal is for him to turn into a Yes Man as well.
One of Jennifer’s blog readers, Amy Hatley, commented that she once heard a pastor’s wife saying that in the 20 years she had been married, she had never refused sex. From listening to the pastor’s wife, it was clear that this woman wasn’t a doormat, but that she was trusting that he wasn’t taking advantage of her to get his needs met. It also led her to trust that her husband seeks the Lord in all his decisions.
How do you do it?
- Start by accepting the challenge of committing to saying yes for ten days. Invite your husband to do the challenge with you.
- Decide to make your marriage your top priority for the next ten days. If, for example, you have to choose between a social event and spending time with your partner, choose your partner.
- Write the word ‘yes’ on your ring finger to serve as a constant reminder.
- Remember that requests and expectations should be reciprocated. Don’t abuse the situation and don’t make selfish requests.
- Say yes without hesitation if your partner asks you to cook a special meal or to take out the trash. Say yes to sexual advances and to any requests that requires your time.
- Say yes to the challenge of putting your own needs and agenda on the backburner. It may seem hard at times – especially if you like being in control – but trust your partner’s intentions and judgement.
- Say yes to spontaneity. Activities that get planned on a whim can add a bit of spark to your marriage.
- Say yes to your partner’s preferences. By now you know that you and your partner don’t always agree on everything and you can appreciate the value of compromise, but it can still be hard to give in sometimes. Make it a priority to give in.
- In her book 52 ways to wow your husband: put a smile on his face, author Pam Farrel encourages women to find areas where they can let their husbands take the lead. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have an opinion, but that you can let go of taking charge and even challenging opinions in certain facets of your lives.
- Saying yes to everything may start to feel a bit forced after a while. Switch it up with comments like ‘good idea’, ‘that sounds good’ or ‘let’s do it!’, even if you suspect that what’s being suggested probably isn’t a good idea. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
Take in the power of positivity, the value of elimination (of the word ‘no’) and investigate the impact this has on your marriage. We predict that the mutual benefit you receive will keep the 10-day yes challenge going long after the period is up.
Additional sources: www.imom.com, www.blessedarethefeet.com.
According to research, many women say they have never had an orgasm. Is it true that only some (lucky) women can experience orgasms, and is it even that important?
When Bernice and James got married, she didn’t have an orgasm on her wedding night, but she thought that it was probably due to a lack of experience. After months of being married and a lot of effort and patience on James’s behalf, however, Bernice started to wonder if she would ever know what an orgasm felt like.
Bernice started to obsess about it, to the point where it started to cause problems in their marriage. Sex was supposed to be an earth-shattering experience…so what was wrong?
What is considered “normal” when it comes to orgasms?
In her book, The elusive orgasm: A woman’s guide to why she can’t and how she can orgasm, Vivienne Cass writes that the word “normal” makes her uncomfortable when it is used in the context of orgasms because there are so many ways to reach orgasm and there are also so many ways in which a person can feel sexual. Vivienne is of the opinion that it isn’t about whether you reach orgasm or how often you have an orgasm, but rather how you feel about orgasms.
Quality definitely trumps quantity and the numbers can be used as a measurement tool to determine whether your sex life is good or not, says sexologist Elmari Craig and Bible expert Hennie Stander in their book A-Z of Sex. “It is much more important to be focused on each other’s needs, to feel cared for and secure in your relationship.”
Society, however, creates so much pressure to have high-octane orgasms, multi-orgasms, G-spot orgasms and to have orgasms at exactly the same time that many women feel that they simply aren’t hitting the mark in the bedroom.
In her book, The Dot Spot, Dorothy Black writes: “It would appear to me that we’re not really making space for the wide range of orgasms that can be had. If there’s one thing I could tell a person who has never had an orgasm is that not all orgasms set off fireworks. Each and every orgasm doesn’t leave you crying, laughing or screaming.”
“Orgasms can be as disappointing as they are amazing, and as boring as they can be lifechanging. They can build up and leave you in a little puddle wondering ‘Was that it?’, or they can come out of nowhere and hit you on the cervix like a lightning bolt from Zeus.
Are orgasms a given?
A 2015 study by research company GfK Research showed that about 40% of women need clitoral stimulation during sex to reach orgasm. Only 20% of women reported that they can achieve orgasm through vaginal penetration. The rest of the research respondents said that they have never reached orgasm during sex (or they detailed alternative methods of how they achieved orgasms).
There are definitely women who report not having experienced an orgasm, and then there are women who have experienced an orgasm but for some reason aren’t experiencing them as often as they would like.
“Despite changing attitudes about sex and the large amount of literature available, there are still women who are unable to have an orgasm. These women are often shy or even ashamed about not being able to function ‘normally’ and instead of talking to their husbands and risking that their husbands feel inadequate about it, they keep quiet instead,” write Elmari and Hennie.
Many women investigate medical or hormonal sources as the root of the problem, but the problem is often psychological or related to lifestyle issues.
According to independent.co.uk, 45% of women experience some sort of sexual problem and 12% attribute sexual challenges to personal stress. Other things that can negatively impact the chance of a woman being able to achieve orgasm is medicine, too much alcohol, self-confidence issues, hormonal changes, fears relating to sex, low testosterone, vaginal dryness, relationship problems, anatomy (the distance between the clitoris and the vagina) and emotional or relationship stress.
Perceptions surrounding sex that a woman develops during her formative years could also have an impact on a woman’s ability to have an orgasm. Other issues could relate to a partner who ejaculates prematurely or doesn’t really understand the female anatomy.
When a therapist has to treat anorgasmia, the therapist will look into issues such as health, medication, deep-rooted ideas and fears, as well as the current techniques that are being used. If you are experiencing problems achieving orgasm, consider seeking help from an experienced therapist (especially if this is causing problems in your marriage).
But if you’re not 100% happy with yours…
Don’t get caught up in the media frenzy about sexuality. Your sex life isn’t less worthy if you can’t find your G-spot, you and your husband aren’t reaching orgasm at exactly the same time, or if you aren’t having 10 back-to-back orgasms during sex.
Dorothy writes: “Wherever and however you experience an orgasm, is 100% okay. There are different paths that can lead women towards orgasm, and no path is better than the other. However that orgasm is made possible is irrelevant in your personal journey in pleasure and sex.”
Communicate, relax and focus on what you are experiencing, without emphasising what you think is lacking. “The more stressed out you are about not having an orgasm, the harder it will be to get there,” advise Elmari and Hennie.
“Try different stimulation methods, such as oral sex and your hands. Foreplay should take place in a calm, intimate and romantic atmosphere. This, combined with the fact that women need to know and understand their bodies and sexuality, could lead to a positive outcome.”
“An orgasm shouldn’t be the singular goal of intimacy. Talk to your partner about your needs, make sure that foreplay lasts long enough – at least 20 minutes to half an hour – and make sure that your most important sexual organ, namely your brain, is actively involved in the process.
“Remember that the journey is more important than the destination. The emotional intimacy, closeness and security that you experience during sex should be more important than any orgasm.”
The internet is full of guidelines and tips on how to have a successful marriage, but some of this advice isn’t practical (and can even be considered questionable) from a Christian point of view. Here are a few principles that Christian couples can safely implement to lay the foundations of their marriage:
- Read the Bible together. Most parents will tell you that finding time for daily Bible study with the kids can be a big ask. If you have young children at home, then you probably already try to make time to read the Bible with them each evening. Set aside time for you and your husband to do Bible study together once a week. Take one Bible to church so that the two of you can read together. By reading together and discussing what you read afterwards, you will be able to stay connected with each other and God.
- Eat together at the table. Trying to get everyone at home at dinnertime can be a challenge in itself, but whenever possible, unplug the television and get everyone eating around the dinner table together. This will help you stay in touch with each other’s day-to-day lives and broach deeper, family-related topics.
- Keep your marriage problems to yourself. Don’t discuss any marriage related problems with anyone besides your therapist. Many women think it’s okay to gossip to their hairdressers about their husbands, or vent a bit to their girlfriends during a lunch, but remember that these people also have husbands and friends (and juicy stories travel). You will probably forgive your husband for whatever transgression you were discussing, but your girlfriends will remember and that type of negativity can linger.
- Pray with your partner. Some partners find this easier than others. If your partner isn’t comfortable praying out loud in front of you, offer to do the praying. Not only does this bring you and your marriage closer to God, but it also increases the intimacy that you and your partner will experience.
- Choose your friends wisely. Stay close to friends who have the same outlook on marriage and faith as the two of you. Friends who have different opinions about marriage and faith can have a negative impact on your relationship and your relationship with God.
- Take divorce off the table. Divorce isn’t an option. While there are certain instances where divorce is the only option (God never intended for you to be ruined by a partner), remember that you made a promise to your partner in front of God to stay together. If you are experiencing financial hardships, infidelity, or any type of crisis, the two of you – together with God – have the power to overcome the challenge.
- Have daily contact. In today’s fast paced life, it’s very easy to become disconnected from your partner. Make a point of booking weekends away, spending time together during the week, and creating enough communication touch-points throughout the day. Also make time for sex, even if it looks like something that never really fits into your weekly schedules. Don’t let any gap between you and your partner continue to grow.
- Never go to bed mad. Sometimes you’re still raging by the time bedtime rolls around and you reckon it would be wiser to have a glass of wine and go to bed early. Some relationship experts say that it’s often wiser to sleep on an issue that’s causing conflict, as you will feel fresher and perhaps be able to look at the situation from a different perspective the next morning. If at all possible though, try to avoid going to bed mad or announce a ‘timeout’ in love (Ephesians 4:26).
- Mentor a younger couple. You may think that you and your partner aren’t experts in marriage and that you continue to make mistakes as a couple, so how on earth could you mentor a younger couple? The truth is that you are exactly the type of couple that should be guiding other, younger Christian couples. No marriage is perfect and helping other couples in a discrete, safe and trusting environment can greatly enhance and benefit your own marriage, too.
- Discuss the division of tasks in your relationship. While some couples effortlessly fall into comfortable routines regarding household tasks, many others experience some sort of challenge about the division of tasks within their relationships. Discuss what each of your expectations are and how you can find a mutually satisfying middle ground.
These are only a few of the principles that Christian couples can use to lay the foundations of their marriage, but there are so many more. Focus on these 10 principles and you’ve got the hard work taken care of.
In this article we don’t only tell you who to be, but how to recognize who you really are so that you can become who you want to be. Our quiz comes from What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew about Sex: a Guide for Christian Men …
Evaluate yourself: Discover your strengths and weaknesses
It’s important to know where you are now — your strengths and weaknesses in relation to sex. You can’t improve your sex life if you don’t understand yourself. Answer these questions honestly, and your answers will help you set the right goals.
ABOUT YOU
I know how often I want to have sex.
I know what my favorite position is.
I know what turns me on.
I know what time of the day I’m most in the mood.
I know what makes me feel powerful and excited.
I know what makes me feel powerless and disinterested.
I know God is part of my sexuality.
I know how to please my wife.
I know how important sex is to me.
I am comfortable talking about these issues with her.
ABOUT HER
I know how often she wants to have sex.
I know what her favorite position is.
I know what turns her on.
I know what time of the day she’s most in the mood.
I know what makes her feel powerful and excited.
I know what makes her feel powerless and disinterested.
I know that God is part of her sexuality.
I have told my wife what pleases me.
I know how important sex is to her.
She is comfortable talking about these issues with me.
YOUR RELATIONSHIP
We regularly discuss our sex life.
We talk about our sexual likes and dislikes.
We talk about our sexual fantasies.
We know each other’s sexual history and upbringing.
We make our sex life a priority.
Sex is not a weapon or a crutch for us.
We tell one another when we’re not in the mood.
We pray about our sex life.
We feel free to ask for things in the bedroom.
Our sex life is fun and exciting.
If you answered ‘yes’ to most of these questions, you’re either in denial or a sexual dynamo, believe writers Ryan Howes, Richard Rupp and Stephen W. Simpson. Your ‘yes’ answers are your strengths. As you re-look at these answers, you may recognize common themes, and realize where you need to improve. Don’t panic about where you lack — they simply show where there are opportunities for growth!
We challenge you! (1)
Go to your wife and share with her your sexual strengths and areas of growth, as the quiz reveals. Tell her about your strengths and weaknesses and ask for her feedback. The goal of this is to communicate about what you discovered, not to solve all of your weaknesses in one foul swoop. Tell her what you think, and ask her if she agrees or disagrees, or has anything to add.
Establish concrete goals
This will give you long-term vision and short-term motivation. The authors recommend the following:
- “Be positive: ‘Master the art of cunnilingus’ is a much better goal than ‘don’t ejaculate prematurely.’
- “Don’t set goals that are too high. For example, don’t set a goal of having sex every day if you currently have sex once a year. Goals should seem difficult, but not impossible.” Remember: baby steps …
- “Don’t set your goals too low. Goals should not be so easy that they take no effort to achieve. Be sure to challenge yourself.”
Decide on three goals based on the areas you need to improve in. Decide on a goal for each section of the evaluation: you, her and your relationship. Write these goals down, as well as the reasons you would like to address them and some practical steps towards reaching them. If you still aren’t sure, try focusing on the following areas: sex and intimacy; sex and creativity; sex as a priority; sex and fun; sexual attitudes; sex and your body; sex and spirituality and sex and your history.
Review your goals weekly and show them to your wife so that she knows what you are trying to achieve. Don’t get discouraged — it takes a while to change old habits. Remember to pray and ask God to honor your desire to change. After you’ve met each one of these goals, enjoy the satisfaction of having done so!
We challenge you! (2)
Remember those New Year’s resolutions you didn’t keep? Or that list of things to do around the house that you never finish? Don’t let that happen this time! If you have accepted this challenge, call two or three of your closest friends and tell them what your goals are. Ask them to check up on you every couple of weeks so that they can hold you accountable for reaching those goals. Not only will this help you stay committed, but it will help strengthen the friendship as well.
Craft a mission statement
All major institutions have mission statements, because these define a clear, sharp focus for their efforts. Yours should be one you can memorize, thus not too long. The formula of this mission statement should be simple: vision + action = your mission. When we tell ourselves something often enough, we will start to adapt to that statement. Think about the kind of lover you would like to be or the kind of sexual atmosphere you would like to create in your marriage. Consider starting your statement with one of these phrases:
“I create …”
“I am …”
“I seek …”
“I am becoming …”
“I achieve …”
If you’re still unsure, consider these examples:
“I produce an intimate, passionate marriage …”
“I am a strong, compassionate, exciting man …”
This should be a vision, not true of who you are now, but what you want to achieve. Next, you need to decide how you’ll achieve it. Add the words ‘by’ or ‘who’ to the end of the vision portion, and complete the sentence. E.g.
“I produce an intimate, passionate marriage by regularly expressing my deepest needs to my wife.”
We challenge you! (3)
If you repeat an action daily for 21 days, it increases the likelihood of forming a habit. It’s easier to remember to do something every day when it is paired with another task. Memorize your mission statement and repeat it at the same time every day (while shaving, when you eat lunch or just before you watch the news) for three weeks.
You’ve evaluated yourself, set goals and created a sexual mission statement. Hopefully, you understand yourself much better now. That’s a lot of work, and you deserve to celebrate. Go and have sex!
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