If things are going well in the bedroom, the marriage is doing well. We have all heard this tune a hundred times. But most men are blissfully unaware of the fact that the joy of marriage is literally in their own hands. (more…)
In this article we don’t only tell you who to be, but how to recognize who you really are so that you can become who you want to be. Our quiz comes from What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew about Sex: a Guide for Christian Men …
Evaluate yourself: Discover your strengths and weaknesses
It’s important to know where you are now — your strengths and weaknesses in relation to sex. You can’t improve your sex life if you don’t understand yourself. Answer these questions honestly, and your answers will help you set the right goals.
I know how often I want to have sex.
I know what my favorite position is.
I know what turns me on.
I know what time of the day I’m most in the mood.
I know what makes me feel powerful and excited.
I know what makes me feel powerless and disinterested.
I know God is part of my sexuality.
I know how to please my wife.
I know how important sex is to me.
I am comfortable talking about these issues with her.
I know how often she wants to have sex.
I know what her favorite position is.
I know what turns her on.
I know what time of the day she’s most in the mood.
I know what makes her feel powerful and excited.
I know what makes her feel powerless and disinterested.
I know that God is part of her sexuality.
I have told my wife what pleases me.
I know how important sex is to her.
She is comfortable talking about these issues with me.
We regularly discuss our sex life.
We talk about our sexual likes and dislikes.
We talk about our sexual fantasies.
We know each other’s sexual history and upbringing.
We make our sex life a priority.
Sex is not a weapon or a crutch for us.
We tell one another when we’re not in the mood.
We pray about our sex life.
We feel free to ask for things in the bedroom.
Our sex life is fun and exciting.
If you answered ‘yes’ to most of these questions, you’re either in denial or a sexual dynamo, believe writers Ryan Howes, Richard Rupp and Stephen W. Simpson. Your ‘yes’ answers are your strengths. As you re-look at these answers, you may recognize common themes, and realize where you need to improve. Don’t panic about where you lack — they simply show where there are opportunities for growth!
We challenge you! (1)
Go to your wife and share with her your sexual strengths and areas of growth, as the quiz reveals. Tell her about your strengths and weaknesses and ask for her feedback. The goal of this is to communicate about what you discovered, not to solve all of your weaknesses in one foul swoop. Tell her what you think, and ask her if she agrees or disagrees, or has anything to add.
Establish concrete goals
This will give you long-term vision and short-term motivation. The authors recommend the following:
- “Be positive: ‘Master the art of cunnilingus’ is a much better goal than ‘don’t ejaculate prematurely.’
- “Don’t set goals that are too high. For example, don’t set a goal of having sex every day if you currently have sex once a year. Goals should seem difficult, but not impossible.” Remember: baby steps …
- “Don’t set your goals too low. Goals should not be so easy that they take no effort to achieve. Be sure to challenge yourself.”
Decide on three goals based on the areas you need to improve in. Decide on a goal for each section of the evaluation: you, her and your relationship. Write these goals down, as well as the reasons you would like to address them and some practical steps towards reaching them. If you still aren’t sure, try focusing on the following areas: sex and intimacy; sex and creativity; sex as a priority; sex and fun; sexual attitudes; sex and your body; sex and spirituality and sex and your history.
Review your goals weekly and show them to your wife so that she knows what you are trying to achieve. Don’t get discouraged — it takes a while to change old habits. Remember to pray and ask God to honor your desire to change. After you’ve met each one of these goals, enjoy the satisfaction of having done so!
We challenge you! (2)
Remember those New Year’s resolutions you didn’t keep? Or that list of things to do around the house that you never finish? Don’t let that happen this time! If you have accepted this challenge, call two or three of your closest friends and tell them what your goals are. Ask them to check up on you every couple of weeks so that they can hold you accountable for reaching those goals. Not only will this help you stay committed, but it will help strengthen the friendship as well.
Craft a mission statement
All major institutions have mission statements, because these define a clear, sharp focus for their efforts. Yours should be one you can memorize, thus not too long. The formula of this mission statement should be simple: vision + action = your mission. When we tell ourselves something often enough, we will start to adapt to that statement. Think about the kind of lover you would like to be or the kind of sexual atmosphere you would like to create in your marriage. Consider starting your statement with one of these phrases:
“I create …”
“I am …”
“I seek …”
“I am becoming …”
“I achieve …”
If you’re still unsure, consider these examples:
“I produce an intimate, passionate marriage …”
“I am a strong, compassionate, exciting man …”
This should be a vision, not true of who you are now, but what you want to achieve. Next, you need to decide how you’ll achieve it. Add the words ‘by’ or ‘who’ to the end of the vision portion, and complete the sentence. E.g.
“I produce an intimate, passionate marriage by regularly expressing my deepest needs to my wife.”
We challenge you! (3)
If you repeat an action daily for 21 days, it increases the likelihood of forming a habit. It’s easier to remember to do something every day when it is paired with another task. Memorize your mission statement and repeat it at the same time every day (while shaving, when you eat lunch or just before you watch the news) for three weeks.
You’ve evaluated yourself, set goals and created a sexual mission statement. Hopefully, you understand yourself much better now. That’s a lot of work, and you deserve to celebrate. Go and have sex!
You have bought every gift in the book. From the cordless drill (that she almost threw you with) till the spa-weekend (that made you smile in the bedroom for weeks). You have considered giving the spa voucher again, but she likes surprises.
You need help and all your ideas are up – here are a few innovative gifts to buy your wife.
- A pretty satin gown. You have most likely bought her pretty underwear or lingerie before. Well, this is a shift from the norm. You can find a pretty gown at most underwear shops. To make it even better you can buy a pair of slippers to match. Ask the shop assistant to wrap it for you.
- An unexpected visit and a basket of goodies! For this you must play delivery boy and arrive unexpectedly at her work, but instead of the usual flower arrangement, rather give her a basket full of snacks (think: imported chocolate, wine, heart shaped biscuits, rich nougat, a vanilla candle, body lotion, a nice CD, and special treats). She will love it!
- Homemade cheques that she can use at anytime. All it will cost is a few pieces for cardboard, a pen and ideas! Make her cheques for tasks you are willing to assist her with: for example ‘One three course meal’, ‘a full body massage’, ‘you will fetch and carry the kids for a whole week’. If you want to you can put real gift vouchers in between.
- A Bonsai tree. There are few women who can resist anything small and delicate. A Bonsai tree is a special plant that you care for with love and later develops into a hobby.
- An exotic cooking course for two. We are not talking about a basic cooking course, otherwise she will think you don’t like her food and you are going to be in big trouble. No, the course must be French, Italian, Spanish or Sushi, and you attend it with her!
- A meal with a difference. Book a table at your favourite restaurant (no, not the Spur!). Visit the restaurant before hand and book a special bouquet, sprinkle rose petals onto the table cloth, leave a wrapped bottle of perfume on her seat. Arrange with the restaurant to let you sit at a table for four, but then ask to be moved to a table for two. He will then take you to the surprise table.
- A party especially for her. Ask everyone she cares for to help by doing a part, for example get your daughter to make the invitations. It must be done with love from everyone she cares about. No woman likes getting caught with no makeup and unwashed hair, so you must share the surprise with her about 2 hours in advance.
- A box of feelings. If your wife complains that you never share your feelings with her, surprise her! If you aren’t creative, get someone to help you. Her gift is a box full of symbols of how you feel about her, for example: a candle (you are the light of my life), a wooden heart (you make my heart beat), a pair of shoes (you have made deep prints in my life), a plaster (you help heal my hurts , a pot of honey (you are the sweetest thing in my life!), and a lace bra (and the naughtiest!)
Additional sources: theromantic.com